I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
