Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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