I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
