I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
