Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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