I didn't shave. On purpose
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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