sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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