Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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