The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
