Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
