What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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