I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
