oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
