He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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