i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
