I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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