oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
