I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
