so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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