i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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