hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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