Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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