A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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