Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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