sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
