When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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