i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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