Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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