Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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