The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
