so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
