Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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