i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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