This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
