I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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