Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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