in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
