i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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