i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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