God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
