just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
