I'm really into asian looking animals
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
