I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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