Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
