He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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