3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
