I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
