I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
