Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize