Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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