decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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