My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
