Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
