so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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