Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
