Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
