and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
