I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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