True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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