I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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