He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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