Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
