reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
