I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need water and some morals
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
