Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize