i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize