And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
farters have to be the big spoon...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
