You just made me feel so damn special
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
